It’s happened. I had the “procedure” done. For years I wasn’t so sure I wanted to. For starters, it sounded painful. Even though I had no idea how the procedure worked, it still sounded painful. I mean, it’s a sensitive area! Am I right? Besides, when I was a kid, a school friend told me he knew how it was done. His explanation haunted me ever since. I won’t go into details, but it involved inserting a needle somewhere and opening it up like an umbrella and pulling… ok, said too much already. So yeah, I was scared.
Secondly, was I ready to not have kids anymore? On the one hand I was very ready. I like how Jim Gaffigan describes having four children: “Imagine you’re drowning and someone hands you a baby.” Yup, it’s a lot of work. But that was never a determining factor for me. Every year of life brings challenges. It’s going to be hard having two daughters in high school next year, but I’m not going to lose my head over it any more than I would about changing a diaper or getting up in the middle of the night. These seem to be the things that everyone describes as painfully difficult when having children. But for me, I’d repeat those years of my life before I’d ever repeat junior high.
But I did finally get to the point where I felt that I was ready. I had no intention of getting my wife to get her tubes tied: it’s a more complicated procedure. This will be like my carpal tunnel surgery, I told myself. It’ll be done in a day, I’ll miss a bit of work, then it’s all over.
Now allow me to address all of you who refer to this procedure as “snip snip.” Obviously you know as much about this procedure as my childhood friend did. There was no snipping… but boy there was a load of poking and tugging! Coulda done without that bro. Still, I was thankful to not see scissors and hear any snipping going on. The Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away I guess. At the very beginning one of the doctors put one of my valuables in a headlock. I shifted my hips like Jim Carrey in Ace Ventura and cried out with something like, “Ahh, hey, hey, whoa!” His response was, “Don’t worry. I’m only grabbing. No incision or anything.”
Don’t get me wrong, I was thrilled to hear the news of the absence of a knife down there. But grabbing is not something I would enter into the “only” column. My whole life I’ve been protecting my boys from the slightest bit of invasion—I could have used a warning here!
Props to the doctors though. They were great to me, talked to me about what they were doing without scaring me or speaking that Klingon-Elvish language they use. I went home, got to know a bag of frozen peas really well, and watched some movies. If I’m going to be bedridden and not able to make money, I might as well enjoy it.
Oh right, this post was supposed to be about promises and commitments. Well, I’m afraid my mind has been quite preoccupied as of late. Some of you may be upset that I didn’t address the subject that was posted last Sunday. And to that I say, “Frankly my dear….” Nope, can’t type that one either. My mom reads this blog.
Congratulations, Gone With the Wind. This is your week.
And the Oscar goes to…
Best Actress: Vivien Leigh. She really must get this one. Her performance is not only memorable, it’s iconic.
Best Actor: Sean Astin. He’s come a long way since Rudy and he plays my favourite character, the one that Tolkien said was the true hero of the Lord of the Rings trilogy: Samwise Gamgee.
Best Quote: All three have unforgettable quotes, but this one goes to Gladiator: “What we do in life echoes in eternity.”
For the record, my wife was not so sure of me sharing all of this. TMI? Well, let’s just say this is payback for all those feminine hygiene product commercials I had to endure as a kid on TV. That’s right, take that Always!