Who would win a war between an army of aliens and an army of vampires? I can tell you who. Here is the breakdown:
- On the one hand, vampires can kill without use of weapons and rather quickly. They can also fly, even in the form of a bat, so stealth is in their corner. However…
- Aliens seem to have every power you can imagine. If watching movies has taught me anything, it’s that aliens can decapitate, disembowel or disintegrate their opponents without breaking a sweat. However…
- Vampires don’t die. They’re crazy indestructible. And according to Mel Gibson and M. Night Shyamalan, all they’d need is some garden hoses and they’re laughing. However…
- Vampires have crazy weaknesses. If the aliens stocked up wooden stakes, garlic, and were waiting to fight until sunrise, the enemy would just burst into flames and war is over.
And there you have it. The aliens would win. Plus there’s one other reason. Even though I polled as much as I could, I still had a dead even heat between Predator and Lost Boys, two movies that I love. so I described the plots of both to my movie-loving daughter Erika. She didn’t like the sound of either. Too scary. So I asked her if she was forced to watch one which she would choose. And the alien won.
Congratulations Predator. This is your week.
WAIT… before we hand out any prestigious awards, first let’s take a look at a few top tens:
THE TOP TEN GREATEST ALIEN MOVIES:
10. The Thing (1982)
9. The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy (2005)
8. Lilo & Stitch (2002)
7. Close Encounters of the Third Kind (1977)
6. Cloverfield (2008)
5. The Day the Earth Stood Still (1951) – Selected by reputation. Haven’t seen this one, but I plan to.
4. E.T. the Extra-Terrestrial (1982)
3. Alien (1979)/Aliens (1986)
2. District 9 (2009) – What a fantastic movie! One of the few alien movies to be nominated for best picture at the Oscars.
1. Signs (2002) – Super creepy. Love this one!
THE TOP TEN GREATEST VAMPIRE MOVIES
10. Twilight (2008) – Oh quit whining. You knew it had to be on this list. The books and movies made mad money. Hey, at least I put it at #10.
9. Dracula: Dead and Loving It (1995)
8. Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter (2012) – My dear American friends, I had no idea. I really didn’t.
7. Interview with the Vampire (1994) – Tom Cruise and Brad Pitt. This one is dripping with star power!
6. Hotel Transylvania (2012)
5. Underworld (2003) – This is only by reputation. Haven’t seen it. Actually, the same goes for #4 and #3
4. Dracula (1931)
3. Nosferatu (1922)
2. Fright Night (1985) – Saw it when I was 13. Scared me to death—and I loved it!
1. Let the Right One In (2008)
MOVIES ABOUT ALIENS OR VAMPIRES THAT SOUND TERRIFICALLY AWFUL
10. Blood & Donuts (1995) – I am both hungry and grossed out right now.
9. Saint Dracula 3D (2012) – Has an IMDb rating of 3.3. Just makes you want to free up a Friday night, don’t it?
8. Mars Attacks! (1996) – Jack Nicholson’s own Battlefield Earth
7. Mac and Me (1988)
6. The Little Vampire (2000) – With the kid from Jerry Maguire. And it’s like Jerry Maguire, only it has a vampire and no sports agents. Plus, I’m pretty sure this movie’s terrible.
5. Vampires Suck (2010)
4. Alien vs. Ninja (2010)
3. Men in Black II (2002)
2. Morons from Outer Space (1985)
1. Suburban Commando (1991) – I actually saw this one. Hulkster, you did it again. I hope you’re proud.
And the Oscar goes to…
Best Actress: Jami Gertz for The Lost Boys.
Best Actor: Ahnold. He’s not an actor who gets taken too seriously, but the man’s legendary.
Best Quote: Kirk: “Romulan Ale. Why, Bones, you know this is illegal.” McCoy: “I only use it for medicinal purposes.”
Now we need a Vampires vs Aliens movie. I would totally pay my $10 to see that. I would hope it would be bloody good. But something tells me it would suck…