In fact I have 3. And I think you will find the conditions of these deals quite appealing. These days politicians tend to be lumped together under one stigma dishonest, obsessed with money and breaking promises. Well, not only are these sweet deals beneficial for you, but they can even help get rid of that stigma. So here they are:
1. GAS TAX. We all feel the pinch of going to the gas stations. Or maybe it’s more like a flesh-ripping, Killer Karl Kroupe claw to the gut. So I am suggesting you cut that tax by at least three quarters. I do recognize, however, that if that was to happen, less money would be going to Parliament. Less money to work with in your operating budgets. But here’s the deal: In exchange for you to stop taxing gas so steeply, we will agree to the legalization of marijuana.
How does that help you get your money back? Simple. If this stuff is legalized, you get to tax the ever-loving daylights out of it! Put it up as high as you want. Don’t worry about people who think it will ruin our society. Trust me, when they learn the kick to the crotch at the pumps is turning into a buddy shoulder punch, they’ll be so down with this. Concerned for our youth? No need. Legalizing it won’t introduce them to pot. They’re already smoking the stuff and baking it in brownies. Availability is really no issue in Canada. Trust me, I’m a former youth pastor and teen group home worker. However, with the kinds of taxes we’ve come to expect on things like gas, milk, lottery, etc., we have all the confidence in the world in your taxing power. Once you guys are set loose, only the super rich will be able to afford weed. The youth of our nation will be protected by your exorbitant tax. It’s win-win!
2. GOV’T SALARIES. Ok, this one will sound like it would sting way too much, but stay with me. This deal involves you cutting the salary of MP’s and Senators. Why? For starters, the national average for middle class income across Canada is $66,397. The starting salary for members of parliament is $167,450. That’s over 2.5x the amount of the average Canadian. And parliamentarians can even earn an extra $6,000-$80,000 on top of that sweet salary
(amount depending on what extra jobs they take on). This gaping difference in your salaries and ours is something that all Canadians are upset about. You can find a Canadian who doesn’t like hockey, or who doesn’t frequent Tim Horton’s, or who doesn’t listen to Gordon Lightfoot. But no matter how hard you try you’ll never find a single Canadian who doesn’t hate this (excluding those Canadians serving in Parliament and those with summer houses in the Caymans). So it should be obvious what you get out of this. If your party is behind something like this taking effect, they will become the heroes of every Canadian. I’m telling you, you have no idea the rockstar status you will attain from this. Your opponents will look absolutely silly complaining about this. They will become the hated villains. You will sit atop the king of the castle! And for a very very long time.
3. CHRISTMAS BONUSES. Please. Please stop taxing Christmas bonuses. I’m sure we’ve all felt the frustration that goes with finding out that your employer’s generous gift to you was cut in half. This is one of the grinchiest things anyone can do at Christmas—and it’s you, our own representatives who do it! I propose that you simply put a cap on how much of a percentage of a worker’s salary the employer can give to him/her tax free. After that, tax the surplus gifts. Again, this means less cash flow to Ottawa, but no worries. I have such a great idea. We all know how common it is for mayors, premiers, MP’s, MLA’s and even Prime Ministers to be caught misusing government funds. In my teenage daughter’s lifetime there have been two governments whose money handling has become the focus of an election—one Liberal and one Conservative. So…. fine them. Fine them heftily, and even more heftily if they’re caught trying to pay for it in any way other than out of their own pocket. To do this, allow reports from national and provincial newspapers and magazines to be used as source material, such as Maclean’s magazine’s published article “99 Stupid Things the Government Spent Your Money On.” Create a committee that finds out these misuses of money (You’ve got to see the list. Some real doozies in there.) and takes appropriate action.Yes, an initiative like this would cost money, but going on the track record of government officials of any and all parties in any and all provinces over the past 25 years of my adulthood, there is no doubt in my mind that those funds will be won back, and then some. Plus, there are millions of Canadian citizens who would gladly volunteer to be on a task force that serves this purpose.
So there they are. Truly offers that you simply cannot refuse. “What if we keep things the same way they are right now” you say? Let me stop you right there. That’s not quite my tempo.
Congratulations Whiplash. This is your week.
And the Oscar goes to…
Best Actress: Phyllis Smith as Sadness in Inside Out. Her voice was perfect for her character.
Best Actor: Can anyone argue JK Simmons? He was the talk of the Oscars this year and was easily the runaway winner. Came along way since J Jonah Jameson.
Best Quote: “Congratulations San Francisco, you’ve ruined pizza! First the Hawaiians, and now you!” — Anger in Inside Out.
So I’ve decided I’m not paying my taxes next year. Going to prorogue them.