I was only a little boy, ok? I was 6 or 7. Sometimes we do a few embarrassing things at that age, unless you’re like me and you do a lot of embarrassing things at that age. This week we have two movies of the week. One a boyhood tale, one an embarrassment. My story combines the two.
So for Christmas one year I received a wooden toy airplane. Remember those? They still sell them, especially at flea markets and craft fairs. They’re a solid but safe vintage toy and seeing one can give one nostalgia even if you’d never owned one as a kid. Well, for somereason I was sure that I could take this great looking toy and make it look even better. Not only better, but super, colossal, mind-blowingly awesome! This would be my creation. I got out my box of crayons and something else I’d received for Christmas that year: an embossing label maker. I got tired of simply embossing my name on black strip tape and placing on items in my room. I wanted to use it for my super, colossal, mind-blowingly awesome creation.
I coloured that plane with my favourite colours. I knew when I was done it looked ridiculous, but I told myself it looked perfect. It had to. I created it! And now for the pièce de résistance: I would come up with a name. And not just a simple name like “Sky Wolf” or “The Blue Bomber.” No, I would invent a name.
Talk about excited! I would have a name that would be completely unique to this toy and everyone would be impressed. I sat down with a pencil and paper. I picked letters that, to my child brain, sounded strong and solid. I definitely wanted T and C in there since they were my initials. I also loved the letter K. It just seemed like the kind of letter that none of the other 25 would want to mess with. Then I had it! The perfect name! I wrote it down, embossed it on black tape with my label maker and placed it square in the mid-top of the toy between the wings. The name…
“Wow, that sounds so cool!” I said to myself. Immediately I started playing with my… toy plane. I was like Andy from the Toy Story movies.
– People in danger, have no fear! The Krotch is on the way!
– Look up there! It’s a bird… no it’s a plane… no, it’s the Krotch!
– Your time has come evil villains. You are about to feel the wrath of the Krotch!
– Don’t thank me, ma’am. Thank the Krotch!
And that moment of greatness lasted about 20 minutes. That’s when my older brother saw my plane, looked up at me and said, “Um, Troy, you know what that means, don’t you?”
“I know.” I said defensively like any kid does who really doesn’t know but is asked it they do by an older sibling.
It didn’t take long after that for me to get rid of that label and pretend nothing happened.
Congratulations Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire. This is your week.
And congratulations Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull for being every bit as embarrassing as the Krotch.
And the Oscar goes to…
Best Actress: Definitely Emma Watson as Hermione Granger in Goblet of Fire.
Best Actor: Tom Cruise as Ethan Hunt in Ghost Protocol.
Best Quote: “He is not human, he is a piece of iron.” — Dolph Lundren as Ivan Drago describing his opponent in Rocky IV
Who would have thought that Harrison Ford + Steven Spielberg + Indiana Jones franchise + $185 million would turn out to be a steaming heap of crystal skulls? I think I’d rather watch a biopic about The Krotch. Then again, who would have thought we’d see a shark actually hold a grudge and travel from New England to the Bahamas to get vengeance on a family. That and batsuit nipples. Who would ever have thought we’d ever see batsuit nipples??