Every year we talk about the things we love at Christmas time, and and sometimes about the things we don’t like (e.g. Elf on the Shelf, checkout lines, etc.). I’ll be sure to end on a positive note, but let me first give a list of things that are completely acceptable to smother in bitter, festering hatred during this special, festive season of love.
The Icy-Hot Torture Device. When I go to shop at a mall, the walk through the parking lot is usually met with sub-zero temperatures and me cursing out my coat for not being warm enough. Why didn’t I wear layers?? I chastise myself. Then I walk into the mall and instantly burst into flames. I see Satan himself at the customer care centre saying, “What’s wrong with you people? Turn the &@%$# heat down!” I curse my coat yet again, this time for being too bulky and thermal. We also have to go to Chapters, Walmart, and Old Navy. Oh please God, have mercy…
The words “hustle” and “bustle.” I never NEVER hear anyone say the word “bustle” outside of December. So they rhyme, big deal. Please find another way of saying this.
The bottom of the eggnog glass. It tastes soooooooo good. Getting to the bottom just sucks.
Bad weather and/or cars breaking down. When it happens throughout the year, it’s frustrating. It’s terrible. But when it happens within the last two weeks of December, it’s like all your worst nightmares just came true.
The Chronic 12 Days. Seems every year someone has some funny spoof of “The Twelve Days of Christmas.” Even commercials. In fact, I have one, but mine’s the only good one.
Boot Lagoon. It shows up at every gathering. It’s time to leave the party and before you head out the door you must navigate your way through a scattering of footwear and melted slush. Your sock feet haven’t a snowball’s chance in hell of saying dry. You’re almost there when you discover that the pair you’ve finally picked up aren’t yours. Yours are buried under someone’s bulky, sweaty, military grade jungle boots. Heels down, right on top while yours collects the cold, dirty dripping. The trip home will be pleasant.
The Yankee Swap Hosing. Today the rules get jumbled and even completely forgotten
with Yankee swaps and White Elephant exchanges. You could end up with a golden chalice filled with chocolate and money, or someone’s sweaty wet sock that didn’t survive Boot Lagoon. Oh the feeling of dread when someone saunters over to you with the crappy dollar store gift they just unwrapped and makes you trade away your bottle of Bailey’s. And you have to comply, because that’s the rules.
Getting a gift for the un-gift-able. That one person who is so hard to buy for and are most of the time disappointed in their gift. Now, I’m not saying it’s ok to hate that person. Just hate them quietly in your heart. I think somewhere in Ecclesiastes it says this is ok.
The “You’re not festive enough” police. One complaint, one bad day, one false move and you’re a scrooge. The pressure to be happy and decked in green and red is strong, but not as strong as the inevitability of the grinch-shaming.
Now let me be positive…
I love decorations that come up from the basement once a year and brighten up the house. I love hot drinks and holiday movies. I love opening presents. I love watching others open presents. I love the music (I’d rather not every day for a month on continuous play, but I do love it.). I love the look of stores decorated. I love the feeling of a stuffed stocking. I love the increase in communication with friends and family. It’s my favourite time of the year.
But let’s be honest… Santa with Muscles sucks!
Congratulations Santa with Muscles. This is your week…..I suppose….if we have to….
And the Oscar goes to…
Worst Actress: Mila Kunis in Santa with Muscles. Just for being a notable name and being in a movie like this.
Worst Actor: Tough choice between Kirk Cameron and the Hulkster. I’m not sure which one would be most cringe-worthy (like my mother I’ve been spared of actually seeing these abominations), but I’m going with Cameron. I’ve at least seen Hulk act well in one movie, Rocky III. Can’t say the same for Kirk.
Worst Quote: Worst? Looks like this calls for another top ten…
10. “You’ll never get away with this, you Martian!” (SCCTM)
9. “Santa, you sleigh me!” (SWM)
8. “Oh, everything in sight! They eat most of the animals, the plants, the flowers, the roots, birds, even smoke and alcohol!” (after Pedro asks Santa what they eat on earth—Santa Claus)
7. “Ho ho, we meet again, eh?” (SCCTM)
6. “This is a complete hijacking! This is a hijacking! Hi-handed, hijacking! Handedness-jacking! It’s like a car-jacking of our religion!” (Saving Christmas)
5. “Watch out, he’s got a candy cane!” (SWM)
4. “No siree! We’re going out the good ol’ fashioned way. Prancer and Dancer and Donder and Blitzen, and Vixen and Nixon… oh, consarnit I get those names mixed up, but the KIDS know their names.” (SCCTM)
3. “You certainly are a different person when you’re away from those homeless little losers.” (SWM)
2. “Oh! Darn that Devil Pitch! Why, if I were on Earth right now, I’d put him in his place! But even he knows I can only return to Earth one night a year.” (Santa Claus)
1. “Nicholas was ‘bad,’ in a good way” (Saving Christmas)