An open letter to Spider-Man of 1967-1970

Dear Friendly Neighbourhood Spider-Man,

There are several things that I’ve been meaning to tell you for many years now. I am confident you will find the following interesting, flattering, and at some points a little disconcerting. You’ve been my favourite superhero for the last (almost) 40 years, so I feel I owe this to you.

  • Though your show was great, by far the greatest thing about it was the opening title sequence, specifically the first few seconds. Seeing the name “Spider-Man” coming at the screen with a web backdrop as the title song bursted through our TV’s speakers was simply the stuff. I would literally jump out of my seat and clap in excitement! I wouldn’t have excitement like that again til my teen years when the Hulkster rescued the Macho Man from The HonkyTonk Man. That’s some powerful stuff Spidey.
  • It is now 2017 and there’s this thing called a “meme.” I won’t go into detail, but by far the funniest memes of all are the ones taken from your show.
  • You have the coolest villains, though some could stand to rethink their wardrobe. Scorpio looks menacing, but he also looks a little too much like Tigger and not enough like an actual scorpion. The Vulture could lose that white fur scarf. None of us know what that’s all about. Don’t even get me started on the Green Goblin’s oversized sleeping cap, ugly purse, and freakish ears. And for the sake of pure dignity please tell Elektro to lose that stupid lightning mask.
  • I used to fantasize about being you and doing all kinds of fun stuff. Even dressed like you for Halloween.
  • Thank you for protecting New York City during this difficult time. Clearly from your show it looks like it was an industrial wasteland with occasional people, all pretty thick and helpless.
  • Any chance you can tell me why the police officers who read your notes that you left on your web-wrapped bad guys would read it like they were second graders? And why they would read the last part—”from your friendly neighbourhood Spider-Man”—as if they were super surprised. Considering they’d find, say, a lizard-man bound by giant spider webs, I figured they’d have had a hunch it was you.
  • From what I understand, “wallopin’ websnappers” was never said in the comic, only on your show. I give you a stone face and slow clap for this.
  • You had three years. THREE YEARS… and never once made a move on Betty Brant. Even when I was 7 I could tell she was into you. I realize you were a young man and that you would eventually find love with Gwen Stacy and Mary Jane, but three years man. That’s embarrassing.
  • You were one of my favourite things about my childhood. Thank you for the memories.

Congratulations Spider-Man (2002). This is your week.

And the Oscar goes to…

Best Actress: Emma Stone as Gwen Stacy in The Amazing Spider-Man (2012).

Best Actor: This is an easy one. As good as Toby, Willem, and others are, J. K. Simmons wins by a landslide as J. Jonah Jameson in Spider-Man (2002)

Best Quote:Dear, we agreed to put on a wedding, not go into bankruptcy… Caviar? Who are we inviting, the czar? Get some cheese and crackers… some of those little cocktail weenies…” — J. Jonah Jameson talking on the phone to his wife in Spider-Man 2.

I would agree that the first one was the best one, though I really loved Spider-Man 2. Thanks for that little jaunt down memory lane everyone. 🙂


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