If you took all the movie monsters in the history of cinema and pitted them against each other in a kind of gladiator-style tournament, who do you think would win? Here’s my breakdown:
The first casualty would have to be The Stay Puft Marshmallow Man. He’s certainly more threatening and destructive than he looks, but if he’s truly made of marshmallow (which the movie Ghostbusters seems to imply) he would be no match for the gargantuan killers below.
Cooper, the monster from Super 8 looks pretty bad, and he could definitely destroy Stay Puft, but he lacks the destructive power of his fellow movie monsters. Plus, he was captured by the US military and held captive for years. How tough can he be?
Susan (aka Ginormica) from Monsters vs Aliens doesn’t seem very scary or destructive, but she is smart, athletic, and has a lot of heart. She can hold her own and I have no doubt she could outsmart and defeat all of the above. The below, however…
It’s hard to argue that any monster could defeat Godzilla. He’s not only as big as a skyscraper, but he can breathe fire! I believe he would not only soundly trounce Ginormica, Cooper, and Stay Puft, but that he could do so when taking them all on at the same time. Of course, whenever Godzilla’s name is brought up it is often followed by discussions of who would win a fight between him and King Kong. And…
You may disagree but my money would be on King Kong in that fight. Though he could certainly get barbecued pretty quickly in Godzilla’s fiery halitosis, he is much more dextrous and agile. He could move out of the way of the flames and I think the lizard would have a tough time keeping up with him.
But I’ll never forget seeing what came on screen after Liam Neeson uttered the now famous line, “Release the Kraken!” Unbelievable! If you haven’t seen Clash of the Titans (2010), it is worth watching just for that scene. I’m afraid that is one giant monster that even Kong and ‘Zilla couldn’t handle.
But I’m not sure even the Kraken could escape The Blob (1958). It doesn’t sound too scary at first, but that enormous pile of slimy goo is freaking relentless! And it won’t matter how big the monster is, The Blob just takes over and keeps growing. It’s practically indestructible!
But there is an indisputable king of giant movie monsters, and that is The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers’ Balrog. Gigantic and powerful like the Kraken, firey like Godzilla, and fast moving like Kong, the Balrog adds another element: It is underworldly. Scarier than any monster mentioned so far and could eat any one of them for breakfast. In fact, I’m sure he does. Balrog, you may have had your butt handed to you by an old man in a pointy hat, but you take the cake in this week’s battle royal.
Congratulations The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers. This is your week.
And the Oscar goes to…
Best Actress: Emilia Fox as Dorota in The Pianist.
Best Actor: Adrien Brody as Wladyslaw Szpilman in The Pianist.
Best Quote: [a wall of soldiers line the ramparts and the top of Gimli’s helmet barely peeks over the top] “You could have picked a better spot.” — Gimli to Legolas in TLOTR: The Two Towers.
There is one more monster that should be listed and could possibly beat all the others, but I don’t even want to mention it. This is because when I saw the film I didn’t know there was a monster, which made for an awesome movie experience. So just in case any of you haven’t seen it and could possibly have the same experience I had, I will keep silent on this one…
Movie of the Week 