From Steve Martin’s lips to your ears

Steve Martin is my favourite comedian. A big part of why he is so funny is his delivery; however, I’ve decided to compile a list of what I think are his funniest quotes. I hope you enjoy:

“Some people have a way with words, and other people…oh, uh, not have way.”

“I guess I wouldn’t believe in anything anymore if it weren’t for my lucky astrology mood watch.”

“How many people here have never raised their hand?”

“I cannot smell mothballs because it’s so difficult to get their little legs apart.”

“I love money. I love everything about it. I bought some pretty good stuff. Got me a $300 pair of socks. Got a fur sink. An electric dog polisher. A gasoline powered turtleneck sweater. And, of course, I bought some dumb stuff, too.”

“You know what I love about spending time with Martin Short? No paparazzi!”

“It’s great to be here in Los Angeles. I studied a lot about Los Angeles and it’s great to be here in the capital city of California.”

“These days it’s hard to look at a poodle without thinking what a good meal he would make.”

“You know that look women get when they want to have sex? Neither do I.”

“Before you criticize a man, walk a mile in his shoes. That way, when you do criticize him, you will be a mile away and have his shoes.”

“You know what they want for carpet? $15 per square yard. And I’m sorry but I’m not going to pay that for carpeting! So what I did is I bought two square yards and I strapped them to my feet.”

“I hate when I’m in a restaurant and someone says, ‘Mind if I smoke?’ I always say, ‘No. Mind if I fart?’”

“Some people complain there’s too much violence in movies. And maybe they’re right. I took a 9-year-old to see Gladiator and he cried through the whole film. Maybe that’s because he didn’t know who I was.”

“Everyone who works with Meryl Streep says the same thing, “Wow can that woman act!” and “What’s with all the Hitler memorabilia?”

“If Tom (Hanks) wins tonight, that means between Tom and myself we will have three best actor awards.”

“First the doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me.”

“All I’ve ever wanted was a an honest week’s pay for an honest day’s work.”

“I’m a bitter, sad, sour young man who makes a career of hassling people with real careers.”

“We’ve had some fun tonight, considering we’re all going to die someday.”

“I saw the movie Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon and was surprised because I didn’t see any tigers or dragons. And then I realized why: they’re crouching and hidden.

Congratulations The Jerk. This is your week.

And the Oscar goes to…

Best Actress: Beyoncé as Xania in The Pink Panther.

Best Actor: Martin Short as Ned Nederlander in ¡Three Amigos!

Best Quote:
Mother: Navin, it’s your birthday, and it’s time you knew. You’re not our natural-born child.
Navin R. Johnson: I’m not? You mean I’m gonna STAY this color?


Joy and I saw Judy (2019) while we were in Toronto this past weekend. I’m so happy for Renee Zellweger. She took a real beating from the press for her cosmetic surgery and for being out of the spotlight for so long. Then she pulls this off! Great movie too.

Pick your movie of the week: Steve Martin (Oct 27-Nov 2/19)

He is one of the funniest men alive and in my top three (if not the top) favourite comedic actors. There are so many movies to choose from, so it was hard to pick just three. I did leave out Planes, Trains and Automobiles (1987) as it would’ve been too easy of a win. Which of these hilarious Steve Martin movies is your pick this week?

The Jerk (1979)

¡Three Amigos! (1986)

The Pink Panther (2006)

The Makeup of the Made-up

I’m ranking what I believe to be the top 20 movies of the Best Makeup Oscar winners:

  1. The Nutty Professor (1996) — I include this one based only on select scenes. I wouldn’t bother to watch the entire movie again, but I would watch the scenes with the main character with his family over and over again.
  2. Darkest Hour (2017)
  3. An American Werewolf in London (1981)
  4. Ed Wood (1994) — It’s all about a man who is possibly the worst director ever and who, therefore, also became a director with one of the biggest cult followings. It is seriously a fun watch!
  5. The Iron Lady (2011)
  6. The Grand Budapest Hotel (2014)
  7. Beetlejuice (1988)
  8. Lemony Snicket’s A Series of Unfortunate Events (2004) — I really think this movie is way too underrated. It’s also one of the best ever adaptations of a children’s book.
  9. The Curious Case of Benjamin Button (2008)
  10. How the Grinch Stole Christmas (2000) — Remove Jim Carrey from this and it would never make this list.
  11. Mrs. Doubtfire (1993) — Remove Robin Williams from this and it would never make this list. (No offense to Sally Fields, but her role was minor anyway.)
  12. Dallas Buyers Club (2013)
  13. The Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe (2005)
  14. Les Miserables (2012)
  15. Pan’s Labyrinth (2008) — If you haven’t heard already, this was written by Guillermo del Toro, the same one who wrote and directed The Shape of Water (2017). Along with Alfonso Cuaron and Alejandro G. Iñárritu they are known as “The Three Amigos,” a trio of the most outstanding directors of today (they’ve dominated the Oscars winning 5 Best Director awards of the last 6 years) who also happen to all be Latino. If  you haven’t seen this movie, I am very confident that—no matter who you are and what your tastes are—you will enjoy this movie.
  16. Amadeus (1984)
  17. Braveheart (1995)
  18. The Lord of the Rings: Fellowship of the Ring / Return of the King (2001, 2003)
  19. Mad Max: Fury Road (2015)
  20. Terminator 2: Judgment Day (1992) — Very difficult to put a movie ahead of Mad Max: Fury Road, but for now this is how the chips fall for me.

The Curious Case of Benjamin Button. This is your week.

And the Oscar goes to…

Best Actress: Catherine O’Hara as Justice Strauss in Lemony Snicket’s A Series of Unfortunate Events AND as Delia in Beetlejuice. She wins not only because she’s an amazing (and Canadian) actress, but she was also in two of this week’s nominees and rocked in both. She sure was in good company though: Cate Blanchet, Geena Davis, Winona Ryder, Meryl Streep, and others.

Best Actor: Jim Carrey as Count Olaf in Lemony Snicket’s A Series of Unfortunate Events.

Best Quote: After being asked what his qualifications were, Michael Keaton as Beetlejuice responds with, “Ah. Well… I attended Juilliard… I’m a graduate of the Harvard business school. I travel quite extensively. I lived through the Black Plague and had a pretty good time during that. I’ve seen the EXORCIST ABOUT A HUNDRED AND SIXTY-SEVEN TIMES, AND IT KEEPS GETTING FUNNIER EVERY SINGLE TIME I SEE IT… NOT TO MENTION THE FACT THAT YOU’RE TALKING TO A DEAD GUY… NOW WHAT DO YOU THINK? You think I’m qualified?.

So, yeah, that’s what the three nominees this week had in common. They all had won the Oscar for Best Makeup. So whether you wear makeup, a mask, or choose to respectfully abstain this year, have a happy Halloween.

Pick your movie of the week: Makeup Masterpieces (Oct 20-26/19)

Halloween is fast approaching, so in honour of that our three picks are movies that have a lot of creative makeup for their characters. All great movies in my opinion, but which one would you choose to be this week’s movie?

Also… all three have something in common. Can you guess what that is? HINT: They all did a very good job with their use of makeup.

Beetlejuice (1988)

Lemony Snicket’s A Series of Unfortunate Events (2004)

The Curious Case of Benjamin Button (2008)

The single greatest thing about this year’s election

Before I share what that is, I’m sure we’d all agree that the single greatest thing about any and all elections in our country is the fact that we have the freedom to do so. Other than that, the single greatest thing is Jagmeet Singh.

WAIT! Please understand that this is not a “vote for Singh” bit. At this point I’m not planning on voting orange and I have never had any desire to prop up a candidate nor his/her party. However, I am very thankful that the Singh campaign is happening.

I live in Canada. We are a mosaic (not a melting pot) of diversity. Toronto was declared the most diverse city in the world by BBC Radio, a city that makes up 10% of our population. We still have our problems, the most glaring being our relationship with our own indigenous people. However, I am thankful in 2019 that a Sikh man wearing a turban is running for Prime Minister. I think it can be easily assumed my excitement about this is not because I’m hoping to further the cause of the Sikh religion. I don’t think any religion should be furthered as a result of Canadian politics. My excitement comes from the fact that we the people are treating this as not a big deal. Though it gets mentioned, we’re not talking constantly about his religion, nor his headdress. Our media doesn’t harp on it, which means they don’t think we’re asking for that.

And what’s even better, when Singh was confronted by a Xenophobic man who said he should “look Canadian” by “cutting off” his turban (His choice of words are very interesting here, but that’s another conversation…), his response to the man made him quite popular. It was like he was enacting the attitude that most Canadians have right now.

Thank you Canada. I believe this is a great moment we are all going to look back on and remember in the story of our national identity.

Congratulations Ali. This is your week.

And the Oscar goes to…

Best Actress: Jada Pinkett Smith as Sonji in Ali.

Best Actor: Other than Will, I think Bill Pullman deserves some love here. People still talk about his speech in Independence Day as one of the best motivating movie monologues. And even though that says more about the writing than anything else, people also rank this amoung the greatest on-screen US presidents in movies.

Best Quote: We at the FBI do not have a sense of humor we’re aware of.” — Will Smith as Agent K in Men in Black.

Five years ago I listed my top ten favourite biopcs. Here’s an updated list, but stretched to 20:

  1. 12 Years a Slave (2013)
  2. I, Tonya (2017)
  3. Dog Day Afternoon (1975)
  4. Amadeus (1984)
  5. Apollo 13 (1995)
  6. The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford (2007)
  7. Dallas Buyers Club (2013)
  8. Milk (2008)
  9. First They Killed My Father (2017)
  10. The Revenant (2015)
  11. Walk the Line (2005)
  12. Miracle (2004)
  13. The Fighter (2010)
  14. Frost/Nixon (2008)
  15. Man on the Moon (1999)
  16. The Pursuit of Happyness (2006)
  17. Goodfellas (1990)
  18. My Left Foot (1989)
  19. Downfall (2004)
  20. Schindler’s List (1993)

Honourable Mentions: Spotlight (2015); Ip Man (2008); Gandhi (1982); Straight Outta Compton (2015); Bonnie and Clyde (1967); Malcolm X (1992)

I had a brother at Khe Sanh

From Lieutenant Dan in Forrest Gump to Christopher Walken losing his marbles in The Deer Hunter, we are all familiar with Hollywood’s depiction of the Vietnam War vets being treated poorly after arriving back to America. There are two groups that typically get blamed for this:

  1. The American people. A sizeable portion of the US population opposed the war. Their voices, protests, and demonstrations were entirely appropriate—it’s all a part of democracy—but in their efforts they forgot to appreciate those who risked their lives, lost their lives, and had their lives forever altered for their country. Soldiers returned feeling both traumatized and underappreciated (if not completely unappreciated). A terrible and unacceptable combination in such circumstances.
  2. The government. Because the war wasn’t popular they didn’t treat their troops as heroes. They gave them piddly in terms of funds and treatments leaving the men and women affected wondering what they were fighting for. Again, they came back feeling traumatized and under/unappreciated.

In truth, both were responsible in some way for the poor treatment of Vietnam vets. As is true with just about any problem or evil in our society, we can all have at least somewhat of a hand in its inception. A country entering a war that they shouldn’t is hardly new. Opposing a war isn’t wrong, nor is being active in trying to stop it. But we can never forget anyone’s sacrifices that were made on our behalf.

Something that is even sadder about this is what goes on in our minds and hearts in response to wars. As I’ve written about before, it seems we are more than glad to commemorate and remember the efforts and sacrifices of WWI and WWII (and shame those who don’t), but we balk at doing the same for any others. We attach sentiment to those wars and to the Hollocaust, but when millions lose their lives in other contexts we’re completely content with forgetting and ignoring. Something we can learn from history is that having such an attitude can make us dangerously susceptible to propaganda.

Let’s be aware, vigilant, and responsible. Don’t forget Vietnam. Don’t forget Rwanda. Don’t forget Darfur. Don’t ignore what’s happening in Hong Kong, Iraq or even less violent but just as important events taking place in the US and UK. We can point fingers and claim innocence on our own behalf, or we can be a part of making this world a better place—however that might look.

And never ever forget those who sacrificed for us, not matter the context.

Congratulations Platoon. This is your week.

Best Actress: Unfortunately there were very few actresses in all of these movies, which I suppose is understandable. I think we can give the award, however, to the young actress Li Thi Van who played a village chief’s daughter in a very intense scene in Platoon.

Best Actor: There are so many, but I say the winner is Robert Duvall in Apocalypse Now.

Best Quote: The dead know only one thing: it is better to be alive.” — Matthew Modine as Private Joker in Full Metal Jacket.

I’ve always loved Springsteen’s lyrics in “Born in the USA” (1984), and I think it’s fitting to insert them here:

Born down in a dead man’s town
The first kick I took was when I hit the ground
End up like a dog that’s been beat too much
‘Til you spend half your life just covering up

Born in the U.S.A
I was born in the U.S.A
I was born in the U.S.A
Born in the U.S.A

Got in a little hometown jam
So they put a rifle in my hand
Sent me off to a foreign land
To go and kill the yellow man

Born in the U.S.A
I was born in the U.S.A
I was born in the U.S.A
I was born in the U.S.A

Come back home to the refinery
Hiring man said “son if it was up to me”
Went down to see my V.A. man
He said “son, don’t you understand”

I had a brother at Khe Sanh fighting off the Viet Cong
They’re still there, he’s all gone
He had a woman he loved in Saigon
I got a picture of him in her arms now

Down in the shadow of the penitentiary
Out by the gas fires of the refinery
I’m ten years burning down the road
Nowhere to run ain’t got nowhere to go

Born in the U.S.A
I was born in the U.S.A
Born in the U.S.A
I’m a long gone Daddy in the U.S.A
Born in the U.S.A
Born in the U.S.A
Born in the U.S.A
I’m a cool rocking Daddy in the U.S.A