“Some people have a way with words, and other people…oh, uh, not have way.”
“I guess I wouldn’t believe in anything anymore if it weren’t for my lucky astrology mood watch.”
“How many people here have never raised their hand?”
“I cannot smell mothballs because it’s so difficult to get their little legs apart.”
“I love money. I love everything about it. I bought some pretty good stuff. Got me a $300 pair of socks. Got a fur sink. An electric dog polisher. A gasoline powered turtleneck sweater. And, of course, I bought some dumb stuff, too.”
“You know what I love about spending time with Martin Short? No paparazzi!”
“It’s great to be here in Los Angeles. I studied a lot about Los Angeles and it’s great to be here in the capital city of California.”
“These days it’s hard to look at a poodle without thinking what a good meal he would make.”
“You know that look women get when they want to have sex? Neither do I.”
“You know what they want for carpet? $15 per square yard. And I’m sorry but I’m not going to pay that for carpeting! So what I did is I bought two square yards and I strapped them to my feet.”
“I hate when I’m in a restaurant and someone says, ‘Mind if I smoke?’ I always say, ‘No. Mind if I fart?’”
“Some people complain there’s too much violence in movies. And maybe they’re right. I took a 9-year-old to see Gladiator and he cried through the whole film. Maybe that’s because he didn’t know who I was.”
“Everyone who works with Meryl Streep says the same thing, “Wow can that woman act!” and “What’s with all the Hitler memorabilia?”
“If Tom (Hanks) wins tonight, that means between Tom and myself we will have three best actor awards.”
“First the doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me.”
“All I’ve ever wanted was a an honest week’s pay for an honest day’s work.”
“We’ve had some fun tonight, considering we’re all going to die someday.”
“I saw the movie Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon and was surprised because I didn’t see any tigers or dragons. And then I realized why: they’re crouching and hidden.”
Congratulations The Jerk. This is your week.
And the Oscar goes to…
Best Actor: Martin Short as Ned Nederlander in ¡Three Amigos!
Mother: Navin, it’s your birthday, and it’s time you knew. You’re not our natural-born child.
Navin R. Johnson: I’m not? You mean I’m gonna STAY this color?
Joy and I saw Judy (2019) while we were in Toronto this past weekend. I’m so happy for Renee Zellweger. She took a real beating from the press for her cosmetic surgery and for being out of the spotlight for so long. Then she pulls this off! Great movie too.